Yesterday morning I journaled asking God to make me a blessing for someone that day and to use me in whatever way he wanted.
As I went about my day I decided to head to the pool despite the fact that there wasn't a trace of sun in the sky. It was extrememly cloudy. As I arrived I found less than a handful of people, which made finding a lounge chair an easy task.
The lounge chair next to me was empty and on the other side of that chair was an older woman with an Amigo or or some other brand of scooter, at her side.
I put on my headphones and began jamming silently to the wonderful songs of "Selah", and I fell asleep to the pleasant tune and words of "Counselor, Comforter, Keeper".
A half an hour later I was awakened to the sound of a lounge chair scrapping the cement surface. I looked over and noticed the woman next to me struggling to pull herself on to her scooter.
"Could I help you?" I asked.
She turned her head as far as she could towards me and said "NO".
I wondered if she was embarrassed or just trying to be self sufficient, but after watching her struggle for two more times I jumped off my chair and went to her side.
"Maybe if I hold the scooter for you it will be easier" I volunteered.
She tried one more time and failed. Silently I held out my hand and she took it and with hardly any effort she rose immediately.
"Thank You" she said. "My Pleasure" I replied as I walked back to my chair.
Sitting down on my chair I began praising God for letting me help her. But it wasn't just praise I was feeling. A spiritual pride wove its way into the equation. I was so busy thinking how great it was that God used me like I had asked him that morning, that I failed to open the gate for the women and I saw her struggling with it from a distance. Why do I always take my eyes off God and put them on myself.
This morning the reading in "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers, hit me right smack in the face. It asked "Am I really surrendered to God for his sake, or am I surrendered for what I can get out of it?"
As I read it my body tensed, and I felt myself concentrating so hard trying to figure out the answer to his question, that I found myself "bearing down" as in child birth.
Mr. Chambers continued saying "The words "gaining heaven", "being delivered from sin" and "being made useful to God" are things that should never be a consideration in real surrender." Ouch! My exact words in that mornings journal read "Please fill me with your wonderful virtues so I may become useful to you." Or in otherwords I want, I want, I want!
Oswald Chambers goes on to say "Genuine total surrender is a personal sovereign preference to Jesus Christ Himself. Beware of stopping anywhere short of total surrender to God. Most of us have only a vision of what this really means, but have never truly experienced it."
Wow this is hard because as soon as I pray "I want to be totally surrendered to you Lord." I tell him MY wants again and it's back to being all about ME when it fact it must be all about him.
Yikes! It doesn't feel like I have the foggiest idea of what total surrender really feels like.
Could Someone Please Pass the Humble Pie.
No comments:
Post a Comment